I woke up this morning with a sense of anxiety, for it was six months ago today, the 27th of October, that mom was taken home to her eternal rest.

Other than the day Ron, Pop, and I went to see where the marker would be for her tombstone, today would be my first time visiting where she lay.

Of course, we celebrated Mom’s homegoing a week from the day she went on to be with the Lord, but that afternoon it had been raining, so we had her committal service in the mauseleum.

I remember looking off down the hill as we got in the limos to head over to the church for the repast and wondering when they were going to actually put her body in the ground.  I wanted to be there for that momentous event, to throw lilies on the casket as it was being lowered, to bring a sense of closure to my grieving heart and soul; however, I believe that not going down there meant that I didn’t have to officially say goodbye yet.

Trust me, friends, I know how unscriptural that sounds, but the selfish, carnal side of me would rather consider the finality of the process of funeralizing and burying my mother in some sort of limbo.  That way I could still sort of hold on.

And I think that’s why I have had a foreboding feeling about this day approaching for some time now.  It’s been like a looming new point of reference that I was dreading but knew was coming.  I don’t know if you understand what I’m trying to describe here; perhaps you can just say that I was scared and wished that I could simply skip over this day…but I had to experience it as part of the process.

Leading up to this day, I have been having dreams and visions, starting about three weeks ago and they’ve been about what and how to build upon the legacy and life of my mother, the Rev. Dr. Lillie Madison Jones; very clear details have been given and I’ve written them all down.  The last two nights though, I have gotten clear messages to “let go.”

So I had to go to Guilford Memorial Park today…but it wasn’t without its challenges.  Today started out a bit tough as I faced a situation that may have been intended for evil, but I took the Lord, the prayers of the righteous, and the boldness of my mother with me into that space, and things turned out in my favor.  My mother had told me about similar experiences she had had in the school system and how she handled each one of them with the Lord, prayer, and the boldness and strength of her mother and our other ancestors who had to fight on their knees.

And the Saints have been checking up on me all day!  But…I still have mounds of papers to grade and final exams to prepare, so I was going to use that as an excuse not to go as well.

At 6:10 pm, after a long, arduous day, I made the decision to go though, so I got up and went.

Driving up to the place where she lay, memories came flooding back…

Pop visited earlier today…he needed his time.  The flowers, the red roses, he picked out for her stood out beautifully there in the center.

Likewise, I needed my time.  I ended up staying out there having my talk with her for about 20 mins.  Her spirit compelled me to stay and to embrace the sweetness of the moment…our mother-daughter time that I always relished.

Seeing her name on the tombstone up close though made it very real for me…very final.  As I was about to leave, I knelt down one last time and smelled the roses.  In a moment of full awareness then, I recognized that they were in full bloom, which in a sense symbolized her life having been fully lived.  I needed this moment!

I then lifted my eyes toward heaven and thanked God for bringing me to this place to have some closure.  I still cried all the way home and even now through tears as I write this, but moment by moment, as I’ve mentioned in former blogs, it’s getting better and better with my soul.

My time to bloom is nigh.

In love and charity,

Giselle